


Shuichi Goes To McDonald

by WavesOfJoy



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types
Genre: Atua - Freeform, Crack Fic, Definitely OOC, Guns, Other, Swearing, T-posing, Vaping, and kiibo, byakuya togami ultimate billionaire pornstar, emo!shuchi, extremely ooc, he gets his clothes from forever 21, kokichi is a basic white girl now, korekiyo works at mcdonalds, lots of weird shit, mcdonalds, my first fic too, salt and pepper panta, should i tag that?, shuichi is emo, so does kirumi, thats right shuichi pulls out a gun, the best insults you'll ever hear, the new bible, this isnt saioma, tons of swearing, you burnt hot pocket
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2019-08-17
Packaged: 2020-09-06 08:08:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20288200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WavesOfJoy/pseuds/WavesOfJoy
Summary: Once upon a time, Shuichi felt hungry. He decided to hit up his favorite spot; McDonalds.~~~The first crackfic of a beautiful series.





	1. Korekiyo Loses All Faith In Humanity

Shuichi pushes open the doors to McDonalds with a list in hand and his ever so sexy Hello Kitty cap. Over the speakers, Whatcha Say by Jason Derulo was playing. At a table nearby was what appeared to be a woman with light pink hair in her teens to mid-twenties in a pikachu onsie chugging a chocolate shake. The table next to her contained a tired looking woman with a small child who was drinking ketchup straight from the packets, claiming it would help her perform "maaaagic" better. It be like that sometimes, Shuichi thought before dramatically somersaulting and perfectly executing a backflip into the line.

"Jesus Fuck! Is that a fucking gremlin?" Shuichi exclaimed, looking at the small purple-haired thing in front of him.

"Yeah I'm small what are you gonna do about it."

"I think that's a health violation. Someone please exterminate this rat," Shuichi responded. The cashier, who was wearing a mask with a yellow smile painted on it, was humming the song that was playing while ringing up the people in front of Shuichi. 

"Yeah lemme get uhhhhhhhhhh-" said the green-haired person in front of him, presumably the parent of said gremlin.

"Listen here you little shit, my name is Kokichi-fucking-Oma and im here to get the biggest fucking ice cream cone they have. If you plan on standing in my way, I advise you find another McDonalds to call your own, or else you can face my wrath. Challenge me bitch boy, I dare you, I fucking dare you. Get your dumb My Chemical Romance t-shirt wearing ass out of my sight," Kokichi yelled at Shuichi. Shuichi teared up a little. He thought he looked pretty fashionable in his Black Parade shirt. 

"THE 2000s NEVER GO OUT OF STYLE YOU BURNT HOT POCKET."

Kokichi ignored him. The green-haired man next to him was still saying "uhhh". Shuichi made sure to note that he was incredibly thiccccccc. He probably sniffed a lot of essential oils and didn't vaccinate. Eventually, it was Shuichi's turn to order.

"Welcome to McDonald’s™. May I take your order?" the cashier sighed. He looked exhausted. The Jason Derulo song playing was probably the only thing keeping him going at the moment. His nametag read Korekiyo on it, accompanied by a small heart.

"Yo gimme ten Big Macs, three large fries, a number five combo with extra barbeque sauce, a 20 piece chicken nugget, two number fours, a southwest chicken salad without the lettuce and extra ranch, seven happy meals all with barbie toys, an egg McMuffin, a Double Quarter Pounder, and a large mocha frappe," Shuichi told him. Korekiyo looked even more exhausted by the time he finished. Fergalicious was playing now.

"Death won't come soon enough," Korekiyo mumbled under his breath.

"I'm sorry, what was that?"

"We'll get that right out for you sir," Korekiyo said. 

"Oh, and an oreo McFlurry," Shuichi added.

Korekiyo looked up at him, his eyes screaming to end his miserable fucking life. "I'm sorry, our ice cream machine is broken," Korekiyo looked close to tears, "we can give you a free apple pie though. Would that be alright?" 

Shuichi gasped. "That's bullshit! That fucking gremlin in front of me ordered an ice cream. You're lying to me!" Shuichi screamed loud enough for the whole restaurant to hear. Everyone turned their heads to see what was going on.

"Why the hell do you think the ice cream machine is broken?" Korekiyo said, clearly frustrated.

Shuichi reached into his back pocket and pulled out a revolver. He pointed it at Korekiyo. "Try again," Shuichi told him, taking the safety off. 

"H-holy shit! I don't think my training covered this. Kaede never taught me what to do in this situation. Um.. If you're willing to wait longer, we'll get you the McFlurry, okay?" Korekiyo rambled.

Shuichi slung the gun over his shoulder, not caring to turn off the safety. "Okay. I guess that'll be fine, but I'm not going to be able to jerk off to Shrek tonight," Shuichi said, pulling out his debit card.

Korekiyo ignored what Shuichi said and rang up his order after taking a few minutes to punch it in. "Your total will be $119.52. Thank you for coming to McDonald's™. Please never come back." Korekiyo waited for Shuichi to slide his card and gave Shuichi his receipt, then quickly ran into the kitchen. 

A gunshot rang out through the restaurant, catching the attention of everyone. The woman behind Shuichi was on the ground, clutching her bleeding arm, screaming. Shuichi dropped the gun in front of the woman.

"Shit, sorry! I'm on my period! I'll be right back, I just gotta insert a tampon," Shuchi said, running to the restrooms.


	2. The vape gods

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shuichi goes to the bathroom.

Shuichi accidentally entered the women's restroom and was met with a punch to the gut by a woman who was named "Tenko", according to the other women in the restroom. He immediately turned around and headed for the men's room, clutching his stomach the whole time.

The music was still playing in the restroom. It was Ke$ha's TiK ToK now. The bathroom was freezing, which was unfortunate for Shuichi and his booty short clad thighs. However, a hoe never gets cold, so it didn't bother him one bit. In the bathroom were three boys sitting against the wall, passing around a vape. No wonder it smelled like cotton candy. 

The boy in the middle was wearing a McDonalds uniform, with a hairnet that must have been modified to fit his unholy mass of hair. To his left was a small boy who was wearing a leather jacket and a hat with two points on them. Finally, the boy to his right was probably the most normal person who could possibly be at this McDonalds. Except, his tie was rainbow colored. Huh. Fashionable.

"Bruh get out of the juul room if you're not gonna vape," the middle boy said. He exhaled some smoke, then passed it to the kid on his left.

"Bro I spent all my money on McDonalds food, can I hit your juul bro? Bro please," Shuichi begged.

He considered it for a second, looking deep in thought. "Let me consult with the other Vape Gods before we make a decision," he said, turning to the other boys on either side of him. 

Shuichi didn't catch much of their conversation, but he did hear something like "C'mon bro he just wants a hit" and "Idk he seems kinda emo." Shuichi personally took offense to that last comment. While Shuichi was waiting he took a moment to wash the drying blood off his hands. He also realized that it isn't likely that he was getting his gun back. Dammit.

The sound of a cough took Shuichi out of his thoughts. He turned around to see the three Vape Gods looking at him, the middle one speaking up. "We, the Vape Gods, have made a collective decision. You may take a hit. Please, come sit next to my bro Hajimeme," he gestured to his right, to the boy wearing the rainbow tie and now holding the vape pen.

Shuichi did as he was told. His knee was only an inch away from.. Hajimemes? as to not be in the way of the door. Overall, he was cramped up, but it was worth it for the juul. 

"So what's your name bro?" Hajimeme said, passing the juul to the middle Vape God.

Shuichi assumed he was talking to him. "My name is Shuichi, but you can call me Daddy."

"Ok Daddy. I'm Hajime, but since I'm new to the Vape Gods too, I get a cool nickname! You can call me Hajimeme. This," he pointed towards the middle vape god, "is Yasuhiro. But since he created the Vape Gods, we call him The Vape Goddess." Upon seeing Shuichi's confused reaction, he laughed nervously. "It's an inside joke." 

Shuichi nodded. He glanced over to the small kid next to The Vape Goddess. "Alright, and who is the 2 year old?"

"Um, excuse me. My name is Ryoma Hoshi and i'm older than all your asses combined," Ryoma told him. His voice was a lot deeper than expected. After that, Shuichi wouldn't be surprised if he said he also did heroin and crack. Somehow, Ryoma also had a black coffee on hand. He was now sipping it slowly, not breaking eye contact with Shuichi. Shuichi felt threatened.

Finally, The Vape Goddess handed him the vape. It was such a heavenly moment that the angels could have sung praise at that moment. Turns out it was just Hajimeme attempting to sing All Star. Disappointing. Shuichi held up the small flash drive looking thing up to his mouth. He then remembers he has no idea how to vape. He quickly inhales the vapor and tries to swallow it, ending in a coughing fit.

"Bro, that's not how you do it. You're supposed to breathe it in. Like that therapy thing. Breathe in for whatever, hold for whatever, exhale for like, 8. I believe in you dude," The Vape Goddess told Shuichi helpfully. 

Shuichi tried again. Breathe in for a few, hold for a few, exhale for like, 8. He successfully vaped! He sang the Dora "We Did It" song to himself in triumph. 

After a bit more vaping and some banter, the bathroom door opens again. This time, the thicccccc green haired man from before comes in. He looks at the four Vape Gods sitting against the wall and says, "Bro can I have a hit?"

The entire scene with Shuichi's initiation plays out again, but this time they debate whether he is fit to hit the juul since he looks like a fuckboi. Finally, they agree to let him hit it. He sits down next to Ryoma and hits the juul perfectly, like he was born to vape, earning a round of applause from the rest of the Vape Gods. Shuichi finds out his name is Rantaro, but he decides to call him Avacadhoe. 

"What the fuck are duck feet?" The Vape Goddess asks.

Avacadhoe exhales some smoke. "They're feet of course. That's why they're called duck feet."

"Yeah, but if we're talking logically, can't they also be considered hands?" Shuichi adds. He doesn't know how long he's been in this bathroom. Long enough to talk about duck feet (hands?) apparently.

"They're flippers you dumb fucks," Ryoma chimes in. 

"I mean, yeah. But that doesn't feel right. Penguins have flippers but they're not like duck feet," Hajimeme says, fidgeting with his tie.

Shuichi was going to add something along the lines of "Why the fuck would they be flippers or hands if they're attached to legs?" when the door opens. The wall is already too crowded to accept any more vapers. Shuichi turns his head to see who is entering the bathroom (and to tell them to fucking leave) when he realizes that standing in the doorway is a girl.

The girl is the same one from earlier, wearing the pikachu onesie and chugging the chocolate shake. What the fuck is she doing in the men's bathroom? All four of the Vape Gods look at her before Hajimeme speaks up.

"Chiaki, what the hell are you doing in here?" 

Chiaki doesn't dare to step further into the bathroom, but she still answers. "Hajime, you've been in here for 34 minutes. I wanted to check on you. What have you been doing? Nagito is physically shaking and crying. Apparently a small child stabbed him in the thigh with a plastic fork while I wasn't watching," She said.

Hajimeme sighs deeply. "What am I supposed to do about that? His fucking fault for getting stabbed I guess," Hajimeme says to her. He takes one more hit from the juul, knowing chiaki will probably force him out of the bathroom. 

Chiaki gasps, opening the bathroom door a bit more to look in. "You're vaping? In a public bathroom? OUR FRIEND GOT STABBED YOU CHICKEN FRIED FUCK," Chiaki screams. She looks furious. Hajimeme immediately passes the juul back to The Vape Goddess and stands up. 

"I have to go, as you can see. Nagito got fucking stabbed. See you guys next week?" Hajimeme said rather sadly. He was already at the door. Everyone nodded and he left. Shuichi felt tears forming in his eyes. The air felt heavy and cotton candy scented. Everyone missed Hajimeme already.

For a solid moment, everyone stopped. They looked like they were questioning whether it would be right to continue vaping without their bro. There was a silent understanding that no, it was not alright to continue. Avocadhoe broke the silence by saying, "That's my cue to leave. I'm accompanying a gremlin right now and I can't leave him alone for too long. I wouldn't be surprised if he killed someone already." His eyes screamed for someone to make him stay so he didn't have to go back to the gremlin he spoke of. 

"I should be going too. I don't know how long I spent here to be honest," Shuichi said. 

The Vape Goddess and Ryoma got up as well. It was decided. They all left the cotton candy scented juul room, sad it had to end so soon but excited for the next Vape Gods meeting.


	3. Soda and Atua

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shuichi gets some drinks and meets some interesting people.

It was less than five minutes since Shuichi had left that bathroom when he got caught up with another group of people and their bullshit. This time it was a mechanic looking dude guarding the soda machine, as well as the Boss Baby and his sword gf. All he wanted was a drink.

“Bruh move I want some coke,” Shuichi deadpanned. He was holding multiple cups in his arms. He forgot that each combo comes with drinks. He also forgot about his mocha frappe. It was already half melted before he got it and Shuichi very much considered demanding another before he realized he was being enough of a Karen for that day.

The mechanic looking dude blocked the machine fully. “No. I must protect my fellow kin,” is all he said. He did not say anything besides that. The Boss Baby was holding a Lipton Iced Tea. 

Shuichi shrugged and put his cups down on the counter, besides one. He took his cup to the condiments section and started pouring salt and pepper from the little packets into the cups. He was only about 10 packets in when one of the people around him said, “What the fuck are you doing?”

Shuichi did not look up as he poured the contents of a pepper packet into the cup. “I’m thirsty and y’all aren't letting me use the soda machine,” he said.

Nobody said anything or moved while Shuichi poured some more salt and pepper into his cup. His arms were getting tired. Finally, he shot his head up and locked eyes with mechanic dude. Shuichi did the last logical thing he could do; T-Pose. He raised his arms up and closed in on Mechanic dude. Mechanic dude looked horrified, slowly curling up into a ball on the floor. The Boss Baby had dropped his Lipton Iced Tea, his face covered in the same horror that mechanic guy had. The only difference is that The Boss Baby was screaming with the intensity of something straight out of the deepest layer of Hell. Sword lady had a sword of course.

Shuichi was satisfied with the dominance he established and grabbed his other cups. He filled one with lemonade and coke, another with root beer, and the cup with salt and pepper in it with grape fanta. The mechanic dude was still crying on the floor. He walked away with an armful of soda and his new status of overlord of the dining area. 

He picked a booth next to a window. In front of him he recognized Hajimeme- Shuichi took note that he should probably call all the Vape Gods by their names now that they were not vaping - with Chiaki and what he assumed to be the Naughty Toe guy she mentioned. Behind Shuichi was a guy named Kaito and his girlfriend. From what he gathered, the Kaito guy had taken her on dates to McDonalds ever since they started dating, which was two years ago. Now THAT'S dedication!

Shuichi was so caught up in the exchange behind him that he almost didn’t notice the girl at his table, looking at him with a grin and a stack of papers in her hands.

“Hello! I am Angie. Have you heard about our lord and savior Atua?” Shuichi had seen some weird shit, but never has he seen someone try to convert people to religion in a place where people clog their arteries. Yet, here he was. 

“Who the fuck is that? Who the fuck are you?” Shuichi said. This McDonalds seemed to be running on a different concept of time. He took a sip of his lemonade-coke. This has to be interesting.

“Like I said, my name is Angie! I am an oracle for Atua, my God whom I am faithful to. I would like to teach you about him!” Angie put down her papers and stretched her arms out, taking a deep breath. 

She was about to start again when Shuichi said, “Actually, I really don’t care. I’m just waiting for my food. Want some grape fanta? I put too much salt in it.”

Angie picked her papers again and told Shuichi with a grin, “Atua says you’re a little bitch!” She walked off to another table, one with what appeared to be a little girl, a prison guard with a good fashion sense, and some dude who had stuck a corncob to his head earlier that day.

Shuichi went to take a sip of his salty grape fanta and realized it was gone. How the fuck? Why the fuck? Of course, he wanted to find his fanta. So Shuichi stood up with his remaining drinks cradled in his arms, off to find his missing fanta.


	4. The Final Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shuichi fights Kokichi, and an unexpected associate arrives.

"He's waiting for you, in the parking lot. I'm so sorry for him. This is why we can't have nice things anymore," Rantaro says with a sigh. He seemed to get thiccer by the moment. 

Shuichi nodded. He handed Rantaro his drinks. "Thank you for your help, dude. I appreciate it bro," Shuichi told him. He was ready. Ready to fight Kokichi Oma.

He cha-cha slided his way out of the playplace and to the parking lot. As expected, Kokichi was there. 

Kokichi was sipping a strawberry banana smoothie and wearing green sunglasses. "I've been waiting for you. Did Rantarhoe tell you where I was?" Kokichi said, taking another sip of his smoothie. 

"He did. I'm here to finally defeat you," Shuichi said to him. He thought it would be more dramatic if he had some music in the background. Like Deepthroat by Cupcakke. Yeah. That would be perfect.

Kokichi smiled. He threw his smoothie over his shoulder, which hit a car behind them. 

Kokichi didn't say anything or move at all. The most he did was look Shuichi over. "What are you wearing? Looks like you mixed Hot Topic with some womens' sports clothes. And I thought Miu's fashion sense was a hot mess," Kokichi finally says. 

"Says the forever 21 lookin' ass," Shuichi responds. Kokichi looked offended in his "I Don't Care I'm Getting Tacos" crop top and pale pink sweatpants with "JUICY" printed across the ass. "Anybody that goes out looking like you do has every right to be locked up, honestly." Kokichi gasped.

"Listen here motherfucker. Who the fuck let you into here? Who the fuck let a rat into a family establishment? Holy shit," Shuichi said. 

He stopped. Was this really how he planned to spend his life? Picking fights at fast food parking lots? What would he gain from this? Nothing. His life was a void and he had too much time on his hands. He thought that maybe, if he walked away right now, he could start a new journey, one that made him happier. Maybe one day he could be living his life to the fullest. All he had to do was walk away.

Then he remembered people like Kokichi Oma existed, and he realized he had to do this. Not just for himself, but for the sake of all things holy. 

Kokichi shot back with, "You may be wondering, why am I trying to take over a McDonalds? Well," Kokichi chuckled, "You may find it interesting to know that I work for the other team."

"What's the… other team?"

Kokichi ripped off his disguise to reveal.. a Pizza Hut uniform?!

Shuichi gasped. It couldn't be.. 

"That's right! I was planning on having McDonalds burn to the ground! Literally and metaphorically! I planted a bomb underneath this McDonalds. Oopsie daisy!"

Shuichi couldn't believe it. He was about to say something, but then a bright red Ferrari drove at top speed past them. It went around the McDonalds again, crashed into another car, and then pulled up beside them. 

The man driving the car was none other than… Byakuya Togami?! The Ultimate Billionaire Pornstar?! Shuichi was a huge fan of his shrek porn cosplays. Byakuya got out of the car that was blasting My Neck, My Back by Khia, a strawberry blonde and a nerdy brunette on his arms. 

He was wearing his iconic outfit that he wears in all of his porn videos: A shrek tank top, his glasses, and a bright green speedo. 

He took one glance at Kokichi and rolled his eyes. He took a glock out of car and pointed it straight at Kokichi's dick, pulling the trigger with practiced style and ease. 

"Enjoy getting your dick cut off you fucking rat," Byakuya snarked. People were lining the windows of the McDonalds to see the man themselves.

Shuichi's dick got a little hard. He couldn't believe the sight in front of him. Byakuya Togami, shooting Kokichi in the dick. It was like a dream come true. To show his respect, Shuichi decided it would be best to call Byakuya by his pornstar name. 

"Byacunt!? What're you doing here?!" Shuichi exclaimed.

Byacunt chuckled, his skin made of gucci. "I'm here to buy McDonalds," he says. He walks away, not wanting to spend more time with these broke hoes than he needed to.

The brunette girl follows behind him, leaving the strawberry blonde alone in the parking lot next to the Ferrari. She pulls a slice of pizza out of her back pocket and starts nibbling on it.

The guy who got stabbed earlier walked out into the parking, now wearing a Jotaro hat and his thigh still bleeding profusely, stands next to the strawberry blonde girl. "I'm Nagito Komaeda, but you can call me your future husband," He said seductively.

The girl blushed, pizza sauce splattered her face. "I'm Junko Enoshima. It's bold of you to assume you're not the wife of this relationship." 

Shuichi quickly ran back into the McDonalds, wanting to avoid hearing all of that conversation.

People were crowding the front of the store, shouting and asking for an autograph from the ever so lovely Byacunt. Shuichi did notice two employees- one in a full maid's costume with the McDonalds logo sewn in and a "No matter how much I sweep, I cannot erase my sins" sticker on the back and the other with white hair that went into a beautiful ahoge, two dark lines on his face, and a cash register wrapped in his arms- trying to fight off the crowds. 

Shuichi found Rantaro gazing out the window in the playplace. Shuichi assumed he was trying to decide whether he should call an ambulance for Cockichi or not. Shuichi decided it was best to not interfere with his decision, and went back into the dining area. The crowd was dying down a bit.

Shuichi almost forgot that he ordered anything when he heard "NUMBER 420?" ring out into the dining area. He recognized that as his order number. Shuichi's face twisted into pure happiness. He jumped out of his seat and ran into the pick up station. There it was. All his food, neatly wrapped into multiple bags. Shuichi was ready.

He was ready to clog his fucking arteries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading bros
> 
> also read this fanfic too, bc reading this one will make the sequel to both of our fics make so much more sense
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/20735621


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